BRCA1BITCH's blog

wedding favors ...

because every blushing bride wants to think about cancer on her special day ....

Pink Ribbon Wedding Favor Box (Set of 24)

 

 

breast cancer creepy!

 

I wish I could have had a mastectomy with no scar like the pretty mannequin lady.  Then it would be almost sexy!

 

(It's a MAMMOQUIN)

experiment: combine one part bipolar ii and one part off-label testosterone cream

i've been applying testosterone cream to my dried up genitals for the past month.

two observations:

1.  I think I (maybe) want to have sex again.  Someday.

2.  The hormones are causing me to operate with the emotional maturity of a teenage boy who has acne, uncontrollable erections, and an unrequited crush.

basically, i can't sleep and i hate myself.

yay!  this is working out splendidly.

moustache

sigh.  nothing will make me feel sexier than my very own moustache.  i fear i am seeing the signs.

undergarments

i spent a lot of money today on overpriced, pretty bras.  i'm not sure why.  i don't even think they're very comfortable.

RX -

1.  Estrace

2.  Vagifem

3.  Compounded testosterone gel  (made from scratch by a friendly pharmacist thanks to the FDA's ban on testosterone for women) -- $100/month - no prescription coverage

4.  Sex Therapy (Alone)

5.  Sex Therapy (Couple)

6.  "Pelvic Floor Exercises"

 

I am told by an MD (who seems well-qualified and actually pretty cool) that this is the most likely combination of things that might help me have sex again (note: might).  Note that there are 6 items.  Note that several of them require me to stick things inside of me.  Note that several others require a great deal of time and energy.  Note that I've tried some of these things before without success.  Note that this will come at great expense (to me and my health insurance company).

I'm going to give this a shot.

This, ladies and gentleman, is the true aftermath of cancer in young women.  This is the part they don't put on the fucking pink balloons.

 

"david, there's something you need to know ... "

i recently had a bizarre dream, and managed to remember it because it involved s-e-x  -- which is an uncommon occurence since i was castrated 3 summers ago.

in this dream, i was making out with david cook.  yes, he's the guy who won american idol several seasons back.  and no, i don't find him particularly sexy/attractive in real life.  but things got hot and heavy in my dream.

the fun ended when i realized that things were going to the next level, and i had to try to explain to him that i don't have nipples.

that's really the last thing i remember from my david cook sex dream.

 

morbid crazy lady

there are times in my life (becoming less frequent) during which i convince myself that the cancer has returned and i have less than 2 years to live.  i don't always feel this way, but when i do feel this way, the fear monopolizes my life for 2-3 days.  i am in the midst of one of those periods.  i hurt my back (pulled a muscle) because i am out of shape and do stupid things like jerk a suitcase out of a car trunk without bending at the knees.

the thing is, the lower back /pelvis is a common place for bone mets.  so even though it's 99.9% a muscle sprain, i start thinking i have a tumor in my pelvis and that it is slowly spreading throughout my skeleton, into my liver and lungs, and will kill me before i turn 40.

in two days, this will all have passed.  particularly when the pain resolves.  then another 6-8 months will pass and i'll get some kind of a cough/cold and the entire cycles starts again.

i should note that it is very dangerous to engage in natural language searches on google while in the midst of one of these episodes.

being on this emotional rollercoaster sucks.  it is almost disturbing enough to sometimes wish that if i am going to experience a recurrence, i'd rather it be sooner rather than later.  i don't want to die slowly of cancer, but if this is going to happen - let's get it over with.  i don't want to live in fear forever, and there is NO WAY to guarantee that i'll never have a recurrence.  some women have them 20 years after initial diagnosis.

i'm fascinated by the mechanics of this whole mess anyway.  if it's there - where IS that little fucker cancer cell hiding away?  after poisoning all fast-growing cells in my body over the course of 6 months with heavy duty toxic chemicals, how does one cell survive?   where is it?  what is it doing?  what is it waiting for?

fuckkkkkkk

 

 

the side benefits of chemotherapy ...

the instantaneous, near miraculous cure of adult acne (i wonder if acne looks like tumor cells to chemo)  is, sadly, short lived. 

3 years, to be exact.  

welcome back, zits!

the official list of fucked-up menopause/sex book titles

i didn't make any of these up.  promise.

in no particular order

 

1. The Secret Pleasures of Menopause Playbook: A Guide to Creating Vibrant Health Through Pleasure
2. The Wisdom of Menopause
3. Towards a Soulful Sexuality: New Perspectives of Sex, Age & Menopause for Women 35 to 60
4. The No-Nonsense Guide to Menopause
5. Okay, So I Don't Have a Headache: What I Learned (and what All Women Need to Know) about PMS, Hormones, Stress, Diet, Menopause
6. Is It Hot in Here? Or Is It Me? The Complete Guide to Menopause
7. The Perfect Menopause: 7 Steps to the Best Time of Your Life
8. Honey, They Shrunk My Hormones: Humor and Insight from the Trenches of Midlife
9. 101 Handy Hints for a Happy Hysterectomy
10. Menopause For Dummies
11. Your Perfectly Pampered Menopause: Health, Beauty, and Lifestyle Advice for the Best Years of Your Life
12. Gods Pathway to Healing: Menopause